When my ex used to tell me stories about how "crazy" his first wife was, she definitely sounded nuts. Over time, I came to find out that that impression wasn't wrong, but I had a revelation today -- he's told everyone the same thing about me.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, my ex used to call me and complain about his ex. They had been divorced for a year, but they were still fighting constantly about the custody schedule. His first wife was blocking visitation and phone time, and kept changing the visitation schedule, and all of that drama gave us something to bond over. I call that our "trauma bond" because we were bonding over his trauma and drama. Her crazy actions gave us something to bond over.
When we started into our separation, I found out later that he already had a girlfriend and he'd been reconnecting with his high school sweetheart. Now, yes, we were clearly breaking up. But we were still living in the same house and no papers had been filed. While I have no actual evidence that my ex and his now-girlfriend/ex-fiancee (romantically engaged at 18 and alas, it didn't work out and they went on to marry other people) were talking during that time, his behavior indicated that he definitely had someone new. For example, when a narcissist starts accusing you of cheating when there is no way you could have been either because of your character or because of plain logistics, that's when you know they're cheating. When a narcissist truly starts to be cruel and stops even trying to breadcrumb you into staying by offering half-hearted apologies, you know they have someone else lined up and they're trying to get you to initiate the breakup because they don't want to be the one to close that door. Because...if a narcissist doesn't close a door, that means it's still open, even if someone very clearly closed it for them.
I was so hurt by how he just slid the new woman into my space. Like, literally just slotted her into his life, and the lives of my stepkids, where I had been. Outings for birthdays or celebrations, she was in the spot I used to occupy. Attendance at kid sports events, she was there where I used to be. And I was absolutely banned from those things. It still hurts. Incredibly. I can't stand his girlfriend because she's clearly co-dependent (and um, she's still married to her husband, but they're clearly estranged), and how could she get together with my husband while we were still in the same house?
Well, I was listening to a YouTube video today from Ben Taylor (he's a self-aware narcissist who has a channel all about how to heal from narcissistic abuse and how narcissists actually think), and he was presenting a "narcissist's breakup checklist" from a book called "Psychopath Free" and one of the things on the checklist noted that a narcissist will push your buttons until you react, and then they'll use your reactions to show other people how "crazy" you are. That enables the narcissist to ensnare the new supply, and the new supply therefore has no problem getting into the relationship because the ex was deemed "crazy" and the new supply takes on a support role for the narcissist. It's that desire to help the narcissist heal and to save them that allows the new supply to justify the new relationship, even if any of the parties are currently married or in a long-term committed relationship.
Mind. Blown.
THAT is how I got hooked. That is how my ex's girlfriend got hooked.
During the divorce process, I did my utmost not to create unnecessary drama. I didn't want to give my ex and his girlfriend more to bond over. I did, though, end up giving my ex and his first wife reason to align themselves again. I watched them fight for over 10 years, and I had no part in it. I just supported my then-partner. Yet now, they blame me for their fighting. Because, that makes sense to them and it's easier to scapegoat me than to take responsibility for the vitriol (which mostly came from the first wife) they slung at each other.
My ex's first wife really did end up doing some crazy things. CPS was involved, she introduced my stepkids to a new boyfriend every year who was "the love of her life" for a few years. There were police reports for domestic violence...she didn't go to counseling...the kids reported that their mom got trashed a few times when they were young and she had a female friend over, and then their mom ended up passing out on the floor overnight... She was crazy. She did that herself. I saw it. I heard about it. That's why I know that it's true.
In my case, I hate the drama. I've never had an abusive partner before my ex. I like rules and I like sticking to them, and I pride myself on being a logical person. But because my ex moved states, and because we have very few close mutual friends, he's been able to control his side of the narrative. Telling everyone I was crazy and controlling and that I jerked him around and was lying about him, even though all of those accusations are projections. But at least now, learning about how narcissists work, I'm able to understand how people can still defend him. I understand that his girlfriend believes in a lie. And it's sad. But there's nothing I can do about it, other than come here, and put my truth out in the world in the only logical way I can think of.
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