"I didn't know it was going to be this hard!"

A friend shared this article with me today, and I thought I'd repost.  Read it first...then come back here.  It's ok.  I'll wait.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-t-kelly-ma/help-for-the-childless-st_b_3102893.html


Every time Guy and I head to a parenting time exchange either to drop off, or pick up the children, I start to have major anxiety.  I get nauseated.  My palms sweat.  I'm short of breath.  I just want to RUN AWAY!  My chest pounds....it sucks.  Guy thinks I overreact, but any time we have to be around Stella, I get very uncomfortable.  I'm never sure what she's going to pull, or what she's exposed the kids to when we pick them up.  We've had HORRIBLE experiences at exchanges.  We had to have civil standbys provided by local police for a year because we couldn't trust Stella not to (again) accuse one, or the other, of us of some sort of "harassment" or "threats" or other nonsense and then attempt to take out a restraining order against us, with the obvious intent of attempting to keep us from the kids, too.  I started having to video tape each and every encounter with her, both at exchanges and outside of exchanges, because I needed to have evidence just in case she tried to falsely accuse us of saying things or doing things that we didn't do....again.  I can't imagine having to go through exchanges on a frequent basis, as so many of my other step-mom friends do with their husbands' or partners' high-conflict exes.  I THANK GOD every day for every inch of every mile that separates us from Stella and from her influence on the kids.  The distance keeps me sane.  And also allows me a unique opportunity to bond with the kids that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.  Plus it keeps me from having regular anxiety attacks.

The article above particularly notes how many step-moms find themselves "outsiders" in their own homes, and how that came as a shock to so many.  I honestly don't remember if the realization that I was an "outsider" was the shock...or if it was suddenly having kids that was the real shock.  Having the kids.  Yeah.  I think that was it.  Suddenly having 2 youngsters in the house who needed constant refereeing, feeding, entertaining, more feeding, who make messes, and ruin towels, and leave laundry everywhere, and who need to have access to TV shows and inappropriate music limited....THAT was the shock.  But the outsider feeling certainly doesn't help.

Because the kids only see Stella every couple of months, I don't feel like we have her constant interference, nor that the kids have her regularly reminding them that I'm NOT their actual mother.  She has joint legal custody with Guy, but again, because she's so far away, it's not like she gets a say in everyday matters anyway.  Plus, she's so lazy that even when Guy notifies her of something he'd like to do, she never gets back to him, so he ends up making a decision without her input (it's for things like...enrollment in junior high for Marsha, or braces, etc.  Things that are time-sensitive.), and then he notifies her again afterward of what decision he's made.  Luckily (because it would be a drag to go to court because she was too lazy to give input in a timely manner) she's never complained about a course of treatment, or academic program that we've put either kid in.

I feel her hold over the kids almost all of the time, though.  More strongly with Marsha than with Johnny, but it's definitely there for both of them.  The biological hold that the article referenced above talks about, is of course, very real.  It makes me wonder how adoptive parents do end up bonding so strongly with their kids.  I think it's because when you're given someone, or even something, to take care of you end up loving it.   Marsha takes after her mom in a lot of ways.  She looks like Stella, moves like Stella, has a penchant for drama like Stella...might put on weight like Stella when she's older if she's not careful about her lifestyle.......  She was also exposed to Stella's asshole ways of treating people, lying, and being selfish longer than Johnny was.  She also lets money burn holes in her pockets like Stella, but at least Marsha is starting to learn the importance of saving.  Our main issue lately is trying to teach Marsha how to be a GOOD person.  How to avoid drama.  How to treat people.  WHY lying is bad.  How Marsha might start drama with other people without even realizing it.  Marsha is slowly getting it...but she saw for so long how her mom got away with all of the crap she pulled on everyone around her....it's a hard example to break.  Johnny, though, LOVES living with us.  He likes visiting Stella, too, and loves her, but he adores Guy and he's really become "my" kid.  He's so well bonded with us, and calm, and smart.  Johnny is just turning into an all-around great kid.  He's also got a little learning to do when it comes to how to treat other kids, but he's much farther along that his older sister.

With Marsha I feel like an outsider at times.  And I've accepted that.  I'm her other mom, but she was told for so long by Stella that only her blood-related family mattered (which is HILARIOUS because Stella, and the sister she was raised with, were both adopted).  However, I also know that as Marsha grows she's going to remember that it was me who took her to almost all of her orthodontist appointments.  And it was me who took her to almost all of her soccer practices.  And it was me who volunteered at her school and who helped to guide her through her social troubles.  Guy, too, of course, but I'm specifically referencing what will be her "mother"-type memories.  I know she'll think back and realize Stella wasn't there and that Stella didn't take very good care of her.  And only then will I not be an outsider to her.  When she's old enough to realize what I've done.  I KNOW that's going to happen, and that's what keeps me going.

To Johnny, I'm the woman he wants to call mom (because when Marsha isn't around he does), but doesn't for fear of being disloyal to his bio-mom.  And that's ok.  But Johnny and I are as bonded as a mother and child, and he treats his time with Stella like a vacation with an aunt.

Through all of this, though, if Guy didn't include me on all parenting decisions, and have my back (almost) all of the time, then this wouldn't work at all.  Guy has been pretty understanding about the fact that we need to have equal power in our home to punish, reward, and parent.  We've also finally struck a pretty good balance between having kids, and needing social time.  We relieve each other of duty, and occasionally getting a sitter has definitely helped.  The article suggests a weekly date night, and that made me laugh!  WHO CAN AFFORD THAT?!  Oh...well, people who live near family can do that.  Or people who have parenting breaks because the kids are at their other house.  We don't live near family, and our breaks come every 6-8 weeks.  But with the kids getting a little older, they almost don't need a sitter anymore because Marsha is so close to being old enough, and mature enough, to be left in charge.  We do still get sitters occasionally, but at $10/hr, that doesn't happen much.  Still, we do our best to connect with each other.

I guess I feel like any woman who considers step-parenting, and who doesn't realize it's going to be hard, IS AN IDIOT.  Of course it's going to be hard!  It's PARENTING.  It's helping to raise someone else's kids, after someone else has already gotten the job started.  It's a major life shift that isn't for the faint of heart.  But the hardest part is making sure that the step-parent (mom or dad) are on the same page with their spouse.  If that doesn't happen, it doesn't work.  That outsider feeling sometimes never gets better and never goes away.  The best we can hope for is that it's manageable, and that we're at least respected by our step-kids and by our spouse's ex, and when all we get is hatred and vile spew from the ex-spouse then all we can hope for is that the kids will grow to love us anyway as long as we're doing our best to do right by them.