It was always a trigger for me, after I got immersed in the world of blended families and how divorces with kids work, to hear people calling themselves "single parents" when they're regularly receiving parenting help from their former partners, and regularly receiving financial support in many cases. To me, those parents aren't "single." Their relationship status might be "single" but their parenting status is "divorced, with shared custody." Let's not attach labels that mean something else.
There's a certain martyrdom that comes from being considered a "single parent." Society either pities them, judges them, and/or honors them. I've seen people (often women), flaunt their single parent status in order to garner sympathy, even when they have plenty of help both physically and financially. It really chaps my hide.
Then I have the friends, like myself, who really are single parents. We have to fight with our kids' dads (or moms, but in a majority of the cases, dads) to get them to pay support or pay more than what they think is "fair" and pay it on time. The other parent in our situation might have limited parenting time by choice, and might not even exercise all of it. We might not have a lot of family in the areas where we live, but we figure out where our support systems are and we learn to use those networks because there's no other adult to step in. We do every school dropoff, and pickup, and bedtime, and bathtime, and parent-teacher conference, and get every.constant.snack, and do all of the homework. Meanwhile, we also maintain our households without much help. We do all of the cleaning, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the trash runs, the Goodwill runs, the fixing of things or arranging with our landlords or repair people to get the things fixed, we maintain our own cars, and we deal with all of our own bills. Without help. Because there's no one to help. Even when there are people to help, they're often not the other parents. They're the single parents' parents, or siblings, or cousins. And even their availability is limited. We're the ones who chose to have the kids, after all, and they're our responsibility first.
One of my girlfriends, sweet person that she is, unfortunately made a series of bad relationship choices, was a lot more fertile than she expected, and ended up a single mom with four kids from four different dads (and for demographical statistical reference -- she's not in an ethnic minority group. Don't be judgy.). Her own mom isn't in the picture and wasn't a reliable figure growing up, and her dad wasn't around at all. She relies on a difficult aunt, a flaky cousin, and a whole lot of prayer and assistance from her community, to raise her kids, meanwhile juggling different, infrequent, custody schedules. I don't know how she does it, but she does it. And she's an amazing single mom who always puts her kids first and doesn't martyr herself.
I only have the one small child of my own to worry about. I know I got lucky. My kid is happy, well-adjusted, kind, and we're buddies (I'm very much in charge, and she knows that, but we're buddies). I'm lucky that I formed some community connections that are so close, it's become like I have family in the area, so I have support, my kid has a sense of "framily" and consistency, and we're both able to get what we need.
So, getting to the trigger for this post, my ex decided to lambaste me the other day for possibly referring to myself as a "single mother." He stated that he's a great dad, and I have no right to be using that term for myself. Except...he's undercutting his child support and I'm the process of preparing to take him back to court for that. He also lives 350 miles away and moved there by choice after I filed for divorce (I mean hey, his girlfriend lived there as it was, and he hasn't made any new friends since high school -- not kidding -- and they all live there). He has 15% parenting time. He isn't involved with our daughter's school because he chooses not to be. He actively tries to block me from getting the daycare I need (because he thinks I should be using something cheaper), and block me from getting our daughter the preventative medical care she needs, like vaccines, flu shots, and even sealants for her teeth (because he doesn't think she needs them, even though the dentist was pretty clear why they're needed, I got them for my stepkids, my ex also got some of his own a few years ago, and I've had them. Mostly, he didn't want to pay for them.). We have joint legal decision-making, and it's a real pain in the ass. But luckily, since he's so far away and can't help with anything, I inform him about what I'm going to do for our kid before I do it. He has the chance to respond. If we disagree I tell him that, and then I tell him I'm going to do what I need to do. That's what we used to do with his first wife. It works.
Am I a single mother? Absolutely. Is my ex a single father? Well...technically no. He's a dad, sure. But he's not involved in any sort of day-to-day parenting. He's a divorced dad with visitation. Were I to re-partner would I still be a single mother? To my daughter, yes. A single mom with a partner (who might not want to be super involved with my kid's needs, and that would be his right as a stepparent, but at least I might have some extra help with the household).
Granted, whatever you want to call yourself, do that. But be truthful. Don't be looking for sympathy or unnecessary accommodation or praise or pity because of your single parent status. Don't try to make it out for more than it really is. I only bring up my being a single mom when I have to talk to an employer about availability for meetings. I recently got a new boss, I work remotely, and I had to tell him that there are times blocked out on my calendar that I can't budge because those are school pickup and dropoff times and there's no one else to do them. He, thankfully, told me "family first, you do what you need to do." Not everyone has a supervisor who's so understanding of those demands.
Being a divorced parent, with any level of help or without it, is hard. I see you. I get it. Just remember that your duty is to your kids, not to your image. Be truthful. Be grateful for the support you get if you get it. Because it really, really does take a village to raise a child, whether that village is supporting you or supporting your kid.
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