I got my daughter back from my ex/Guy yesterday because it was the end of his parenting time with her for winter break. The exchange went fine, except he often brings Johnny with him, who is now 16 years old, 5'11", and 235lbs (or so he's posted on his Twitter), and avoids looking at me at all costs. The kid absolutely buries his face in his phone and does.not.look.up. starting as soon as Elsa gets out of the car. He's done this for over a year. It breaks my heart a little more each time, and most of the time I think that's why Guy brings him to the exchanges. To hurt me and rub it in. That, and the exchanges usually require two and a half hours of driving, minimum (depending on where we meet), each way. My ex can seriously go to hell for moving back to the state I thought he wanted to escape from and for forcing me to keep up the commute we hated and did together for over a decade for parenting time exchanges for Johnny and Marsha with their crazy mother.
Johnny won't look at me. Won't acknowledge me. Won't answer my texts on the rare occasion I send him small notes just to say hi and tell him I love him. Guy insists that it's Johnny's wishes that we not talk because the kid is 16 and "old enough to make up his own mind." To an extent, I get that, but the kid and I used to be close and even teenagers need to be corrected and forced to do things they don't want to do, including talking to "relatives" they might not want to talk to regularly. Except...there's no way in hell an alienating parent, like Guy, would ever force the kid he worked so hard to brainwash to change course and be respectful toward me once again.
Thing is, I've also had this thought on the precipice of my thinking for a while and I finally put it into words -- it's easier for the kid to be mad at me for perceived wrongs, than it would be for him to admit he's sad (if he's sad, but I think he is) every time he sees me or hears from me.
Kids who are subjects of parental alienation are caught up in loyalty cycles to their alienating parents. All of the studies and books I've read on the subject say that these kids deep down feel that if they don't go along with whatever their alienating parent is telling them to do, then they'll lose that parent, and their love and attention, forever. It's a sad, well-documented phenomenon about PAS'd (Parental Alienation Syndrome-d) kids. They violently reject a non-abusive parent suddenly, for no significant reason (and in my case, it's "she had parental controls on my phone and limited how much I could use my xBox!"). They cling to a clearly disordered parent like crazy, and tend to repeat exact phrases that the disordered parent might use when discussing the alienated parent with other people. The alienated kids might also express knowledge about adult issues they should know nothing about, like specifics about a parent's sex life or specifics about how they choose to spend their finances, or specifics about conflicts between the parents, because their alienating parent is confiding in them -- something that makes these kids feel more "mature" and important, even though that kind of stuff really stresses kids out and causes mental health issues because of the pressure they inevitably start to feel with regard to helping their alienating parent out with dealing with the adult issues they shouldn't know the details of in the first place.
The difference between kids who are rejecting a parent because of PAS, and the kids who are rejecting a parent due to abuse or neglect, is generally fear. Abused kids demonstrate fear, and still often try and make excuses for their abusers and might still make efforts to keep their abusers close. PAS'd kids demonstrate contempt and hatred toward alienated parents, and again, their justifications are either exact retellings of things their alienating parent has said, issues that the kid has been told about which are out of context and adult issues as they are, or small and trivial issues that any reasonable person would not react so strongly to.
I'm left to assume, and I think (hope?) correctly, that Johnny has to act like he really does hate me out of loyalty to his dad, a fear that he might lose his dad's favor if he doesn't agree, and out of sadness about being taken from my home abruptly and denied the chance to come back. Anger always leads to action. It's the feeling that tells us we have to do something to change a situation, or to push forward. Sadness is hurt. And it's paralyzing. It's easier to be angry. But eventually, anger, like sadness, and fear, and the depression they lead to, has to change. Everyone has their breaking point, and carrying negative emotions is heavy and exhausting. I just don't know where Johnny's breaking point is going to be. I'm hoping he finds it soon, but moreso, I hope he finds it at the right time, because when people find their breaking point, it rocks them to their core and hurts like hell. The poor kid has been through enough. Here's hoping there's not too much more he'll have to endure before he reaches adulthood.
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