My day got derailed today because of a jerk on the internet. And I'm going to vent about it.
I've been part of a medium-large sized Facebook group for women contemplating, going through, or having survived divorce, for about two years. It's been a really valuable community and it was started by a divorce coach who takes an often blunt approach to issues in divorce and hosts an extremely valuable podcast. Her tone resonated with me because generally, that's how I respond to others as well. The bluntness comes from a place of empathy, concern, and kindness, but it's still blunt because it's not appropriate to sugar-coat everything. However, as with every all-women's group that gets too big, there has started to be some cattiness and today, it got so bad that I decided to abandon the community.
A woman had posted in the group a screenshot of a seriously nasty text message that her ex-husband had sent her after finding out that she has a new boyfriend. The ex called this woman horrible names, threatened to keep their kids from her, and called her a horrible mother...all because she got a new boyfriend. Again, the poster said that she was divorced from this guy (and um, not hard to see why). She was asking on her post how anyone co-parents with an ex who acts that way. Someone on the thread after a few comments wrote simply, "That's domestic violence."
This is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way (as I was subjected to today), but no. Getting a nasty text from an ex, or anyone, is not domestic violence. And that's what I said in a reply comment to the post. I also included that I didn't want to see people labeling unpleasant interactions as domestic violence incorrectly, and that the way to handle nasty-grams like that was just to ignore, and that the guy was only going off on a narcissistic rant because she dared to move on. Well...that erupted into a bunch of women INSISTING that the rude, and yes, ok, verbally abusive text message, was domestic violence and that the original poster (OP in internet community lingo) was being abused. I wrote back that no, again, let's be careful not to label every time someone is mean to us as our having been abused or the victim of domestic violence, and besides, the reason the OP's comment wasn't domestic violence (DV in court and legal lingo) was because they don't live together. Well, THAT went over even more poorly, and some woman suggested I was an abuser because of my statements. Which set me off. I actually replied, "Are you kidding me right now? All I'm trying to encourage is for us not to get so mired in labels that we get stuck feeling like victims. The OP wanted to now how to co-parent with a person like that. The answer is that you don't. You parallel parent and move on." More crap was heaped onto the thread, and before long, I found a public comment (public to the group anyway) on the thread left for me by a moderator, which called me out for being negative, said that "wasn't the first time" that my comments have come off as seeking to make drama, and saying that all of the moderators thought it was appropriate to mute me for a day to "give [me] time to reflect on [my] words and actions."
So not only was I subjected to being accused of being abusive, because I wasn't willing to say that every mean thing we experience is abuse, and that a nasty-gram is domestic violence, but then I was publicly called out in what I felt was a very condescending and inappropriate way. I reached out to the moderator privately and expressed that I was wondering if her comment about "all of the moderators on the page" having thought I was inappropriate was accurate, and I also told her that I disagreed with the way she handled it and that I would have preferred she had reached out to me in private to correct me before having muted me, rather than publicly having called me out and muted me. Well, she shot back another totally condescending message, stating that it "wasn't the first time" that the page moderators, including the group's founder, felt I was overly-harsh in my comments, and that I needed "time to reflect." I then sent a message to all of the page's moderators, again stating my position regarding how several people on the page are quick to label things DV or abuse, and I didn't feel it was constructive. I also called out the moderator who had muted me and told the group of moderators that I wasn't going to balk at the "punishment" but that this was the first I had been notified that my comments were ever found to be inappropriate, and that I hoped in the future they would treat people who they felt were being inappropriate on threads more professionally, and that they would privately message and allow the opportunity for correction before issuing punishment. Well THAT sparked ANOTHER nasty message from the original moderator, alone, who responded to me (and apparently she's a professional psychotherapist! HA!), accusing me of being completely out of line, reminding me that she is a VOLUNTEER moderator for the group (because she sounded like she wanted a cookie for her efforts), and saying she didn't owe me a direct message (of course, I never suggested she did, and I hardly expected a reply to my first message), as well as saying I was out of line for trying to take her to task and I needed to just stop because I was being over the top inappropriate.
Phew! Yeah, it would have been really tempting to keep that banter going but instead, that one bitch of a "mental health professional" who showed me no courtesy, prompted me to block her and leave the group I was in. I've felt for a bit like I was spending too much time reading things in the group anyway, and like it was more of a drain than a help. So while my leaving the group might seem a little knee-jerk, even when I was doing it, I felt like it was a long time coming. But more than that, here are a few key takeaways from this experience:
Just because you have an abusive interaction it doesn't mean you're being abused, and sometimes people are just assholes
In my opinion and experience, while no, abuse is not just physical, not every mean encounter means we're being abused. Sometimes people are just mean. The bitch at the mall who stole your parking spot and gave you the finger when you honked at her? That was an abusive action. But she's not abusing you. You coworker who is an asshole who said your idea was stupid and was rude to you in a staff meeting? Yup, an asshole, who was maybe abusive, but isn't abusing you. Your ex who called you a name? Not committing domestic violence. Just being an asshole.
Being a sufferer (and I don't want to say victim because that word has become linked with the feeling of having no power) of abuse or DV means that you've been subject to an ongoing pattern of behavior thrust upon you by someone else that causes you distress (mental, emotional, or physical) or harm. It was implied today that since I was refusing to say every mean thing we encounter was abuse, that I was clearly willing to put up with a lot of abuse in my own relationships and that I was wrong. You know what? Once upon a time, I was willing to put up with a high degree of abuse because it felt normal (and that's a topic for another post). But now I'm not. I did a lot of work to get here and I recognize that many other people are still on their path. Still, though, not every nasty-gram I get from my ex-husband turns me into a victim of abuse and domestic violence again. I got four tonight! Oftentimes he's just an asshole to me. Yes, he was once my abuser. That's why I divorced him. That original poster today looking for guidance? No idea if that nasty text was a one-off or something ongoing. I pointed that out in my comments as well. But it was presented as a one-off. So I responded to a one-off.
Sometimes trolls are going to troll
It's clear from my interactions in that group and in a few others that are large and online lately, that most of the time people just want a soapbox and just want to start crap because they're bored, dissatisfied with something, hurt, or got triggered and didn't realize it so they want to take out their hurt on a stranger. And they can't figure out any other way to get "justice" in the world for what they experienced than to take it to social media where there's going to be a handful of people, no matter what, who will agree with you. There were a few people who agreed with my comments today despite the trolls calling me an abuser and trying to use big words in responses to seem smart. (And yes, this is why I started this blog -- to have a place to vent. I realize the seeming hypocrisy I'm toeing the line over. But the difference is that, my reader friend, if you're here it's because you sought out something regarding the topic I'm writing about. This wasn't thrust at you by a social media algorithm). People don't often think before they type, and so many women, in trying to support other women, end up making the problem worse by identifying a problem where there isn't one. Legitimately, there is often a huge problem that a woman might be in denial of. But more often, I see it go the other way these days. We all get turned into patriarchy-blaming diet-culture-blaming man-haters because of our shared horrible experiences in these large women's support groups. Yes, there are A LOT of men who aren't likable and it feels like narcissistic behavior in the last decade has taken a major uptick. But sometimes, as with the inappropriate moderator I dealt with today, abusers are on the inside of support groups, egging on the hate, and using abusive tactics to keep control, and men aren't the only part of the problem. Sometimes entitled women are, too.
Gaslighting is where the abuse starts
I think one of the most shocking upsets for me today was to have a moderator, who purports to have a private mental health practice, publicly call me out, scold me, condescend to me, and then later use CLASSIC gaslighting techniques to tell me that it "wasn't the first time" my comments had raised eyebrows (although I responded saying it was the first time I'd been told), and that "everyone, including the group creator" thought so. Citing an imaginary timeline, and also claiming that there were others who felt the same way, are two techniques classically used by gaslighters who refuse to take responsibility for their actions or the hurt they've caused when they're called out for it.
Another phrase that kept running through my head today after this bad interaction was. "In toxic relationships, disagreements turn into fights and resentment. In healthy relationships, disagreements turn into discussions and growth." That moderator today turned my request for a private reprimand instead of a public one, into a fight, instead of a discussion. All I wanted was for her to take her public comment down and to have corrected me in private. She instead invalidated my feelings (very professional of someone in her position) and started a fight, chiding me like a child who needed a time out, rather than an adult who professionally brought a complaint to her.
Making their victims feel bad for having hurt feelings, and then insisting that their feelings are wrong or their own fault, are how abusers start their cycle. Every time. Gaslighting is the gateway. Learn the signs, remember that you're not crazy for insisting the sky is blue when someone is insisting that it's actually purple and your eyes just aren't as attuned to hues of light as theirs are. Gaslighting and getting you to question yourself is how the abuser starts their pattern of devaluing you so that they can build you back up, weaker and more confused than before, so that you'll stick around.
In my case here, with this internet troll, she also used her position of (internet) "power" to take away my voice with no warning. That also has really not sat right. Especially since in the process of me calling out her inappropriate behavior, she accused me of being out of line and said how dare I "take her to task" for her treatment of my comments. When really, I'm allowed to take anyone to task when I believe they've been inappropriate, provided I do it in an appropriate way. Which I feel I did.
There are a lot of mean, insecure, non-self-aware assholes in the world. Many of them are also abusers. But...not all of them are, and let's reserve the abuse and DV claims for repeat offenses, not just one-offs that should be ignored whenever possible. If someone is invalidating your feelings when you bring them up, or refusing to acknowledge your feelings, or...starts a fight with you when you express displeasure, then run away as fast and as far as you can from that person as soon as you're able.
No comments:
Post a Comment