When are you dealing with abuse vs. just dealing with an asshole?

My day got derailed today because of a jerk on the internet.  And I'm going to vent about it.

I've been part of a medium-large sized Facebook group for women contemplating, going through, or having survived divorce, for about two years.  It's been a really valuable community and it was started by a divorce coach who takes an often blunt approach to issues in divorce and hosts an extremely valuable podcast.  Her tone resonated with me because generally, that's how I respond to others as well.  The bluntness comes from a place of empathy, concern, and kindness, but it's still blunt because it's not appropriate to sugar-coat everything.  However, as with every all-women's group that gets too big, there has started to be some cattiness and today, it got so bad that I decided to abandon the community.

A woman had posted in the group a screenshot of a seriously nasty text message that her ex-husband had sent her after finding out that she has a new boyfriend.  The ex called this woman horrible names, threatened to keep their kids from her, and called her a horrible mother...all because she got a new boyfriend.  Again, the poster said that she was divorced from this guy (and um, not hard to see why).  She was asking on her post how anyone co-parents with an ex who acts that way.  Someone on the thread after a few comments wrote simply, "That's domestic violence."

This is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way (as I was subjected to today), but no.  Getting a nasty text from an ex, or anyone, is not domestic violence.  And that's what I said in a reply comment to the post.  I also included that I didn't want to see people labeling unpleasant interactions as domestic violence incorrectly, and that the way to handle nasty-grams like that was just to ignore, and that the guy was only going off on a narcissistic rant because she dared to move on.  Well...that erupted into a bunch of women INSISTING that the rude, and yes, ok, verbally abusive text message, was domestic violence and that the original poster (OP in internet community lingo) was being abused.  I wrote back that no, again, let's be careful not to label every time someone is mean to us as our having been abused or the victim of domestic violence, and besides, the reason the OP's comment wasn't domestic violence (DV in court and legal lingo) was because they don't live together.  Well, THAT went over even more poorly, and some woman suggested I was an abuser because of my statements.  Which set me off.  I actually replied, "Are you kidding me right now?  All I'm trying to encourage is for us not to get so mired in labels that we get stuck feeling like victims. The OP wanted to now how to co-parent with a person like that.  The answer is that you don't.  You parallel parent and move on."  More crap was heaped onto the thread, and before long, I found a public comment (public to the group anyway) on the thread left for me by a moderator, which called me out for being negative, said that "wasn't the first time" that my comments have come off as seeking to make drama, and saying that all of the moderators thought it was appropriate to mute me for a day to "give [me] time to reflect on [my] words and actions."

So not only was I subjected to being accused of being abusive, because I wasn't willing to say that every mean thing we experience is abuse, and that a nasty-gram is domestic violence, but then I was publicly called out in what I felt was a very condescending and inappropriate way.  I reached out to the moderator privately and expressed that I was wondering if her comment about "all of the moderators on the page" having thought I was inappropriate was accurate, and I also told her that I disagreed with the way she handled it and that I would have preferred she had reached out to me in private to correct me before having muted me, rather than publicly having called me out and muted me.  Well, she shot back another totally condescending message, stating that it "wasn't the first time" that the page moderators, including the group's founder, felt I was overly-harsh in my comments, and that I needed "time to reflect."  I then sent a message to all of the page's moderators, again stating my position regarding how several people on the page are quick to label things DV or abuse, and I didn't feel it was constructive.  I also called out the moderator who had muted me and told the group of moderators that I wasn't going to balk at the "punishment" but that this was the first I had been notified that my comments were ever found to be inappropriate, and that I hoped in the future they would treat people who they felt were being inappropriate on threads more professionally, and that they would privately message and allow the opportunity for correction before issuing punishment.  Well THAT sparked ANOTHER nasty message from the original moderator, alone, who responded to me (and apparently she's a professional psychotherapist!  HA!), accusing me of being completely out of line, reminding me that she is a VOLUNTEER moderator for the group (because she sounded like she wanted a cookie for her efforts), and saying she didn't owe me a direct message (of course, I never suggested she did, and I hardly expected a reply to my first message), as well as saying I was out of line for trying to take her to task and I needed to just stop because I was being over the top inappropriate.

Phew!  Yeah, it would have been really tempting to keep that banter going but instead, that one bitch of a "mental health professional" who showed me no courtesy, prompted me to block her and leave the group I was in.  I've felt for a bit like I was spending too much time reading things in the group anyway, and like it was more of a drain than a help.  So while my leaving the group might seem a little knee-jerk, even when I was doing it, I felt like it was a long time coming.  But more than that, here are a few key takeaways from this experience:

Just because you have an abusive interaction it doesn't mean you're being abused, and sometimes people are just assholes

In my opinion and experience, while no, abuse is not just physical, not every mean encounter means we're being abused.  Sometimes people are just mean.  The bitch at the mall who stole your parking spot and gave you the finger when you honked at her?  That was an abusive action.  But she's not abusing you.  You coworker who is an asshole who said your idea was stupid and was rude to you in a staff meeting?  Yup, an asshole, who was maybe abusive, but isn't abusing you.  Your ex who called you a name?  Not committing domestic violence.  Just being an asshole.

Being a sufferer (and I don't want to say victim because that word has become linked with the feeling of having no power) of abuse or DV means that you've been subject to an ongoing pattern of behavior thrust upon you by someone else that causes you distress (mental, emotional, or physical) or harm.  It was implied today that since I was refusing to say every mean thing we encounter was abuse, that I was clearly willing to put up with a lot of abuse in my own relationships and that I was wrong.  You know what?  Once upon a time, I was willing to put up with a high degree of abuse because it felt normal (and that's a topic for another post).  But now I'm not.  I did a lot of work to get here and I recognize that many other people are still on their path.  Still, though, not every nasty-gram I get from my ex-husband turns me into a victim of abuse and domestic violence again.  I got four tonight!  Oftentimes he's just an asshole to me.  Yes, he was once my abuser.  That's why I divorced him.  That original poster today looking for guidance?  No idea if that nasty text was a one-off or something ongoing.  I pointed that out in my comments as well.  But it was presented as a one-off.  So I responded to a one-off.

Sometimes trolls are going to troll

It's clear from my interactions in that group and in a few others that are large and online lately, that most of the time people just want a soapbox and just want to start crap because they're bored, dissatisfied with something, hurt, or got triggered and didn't realize it so they want to take out their hurt on a stranger.  And they can't figure out any other way to get "justice" in the world for what they experienced than to take it to social media where there's going to be a handful of people, no matter what, who will agree with you.  There were a few people who agreed with my comments today despite the trolls calling me an abuser and trying to use big words in responses to seem smart.  (And yes, this is why I started this blog -- to have a place to vent.  I realize the seeming hypocrisy I'm toeing the line over.  But the difference is that, my reader friend, if you're here it's because you sought out something regarding the topic I'm writing about.  This wasn't thrust at you by a social media algorithm).  People don't often think before they type, and so many women, in trying to support other women, end up making the problem worse by identifying a problem where there isn't one.  Legitimately, there is often a huge problem that a woman might be in denial of.  But more often, I see it go the other way these days.  We all get turned into patriarchy-blaming diet-culture-blaming man-haters because of our shared horrible experiences in these large women's support groups.  Yes, there are A LOT of men who aren't likable and it feels like narcissistic behavior in the last decade has taken a major uptick.  But sometimes, as with the inappropriate moderator I dealt with today, abusers are on the inside of support groups, egging on the hate, and using abusive tactics to keep control, and men aren't the only part of the problem.  Sometimes entitled women are, too.

Gaslighting is where the abuse starts

I think one of the most shocking upsets for me today was to have a moderator, who purports to have a private mental health practice, publicly call me out, scold me, condescend to me, and then later use CLASSIC gaslighting techniques to tell me that it "wasn't the first time" my comments had raised eyebrows (although I responded saying it was the first time I'd been told), and that "everyone, including the group creator" thought so.  Citing an imaginary timeline, and also claiming that there were others who felt the same way, are two techniques classically used by gaslighters who refuse to take responsibility for their actions or the hurt they've caused when they're called out for it.

Another phrase that kept running through my head today after this bad interaction was. "In toxic relationships, disagreements turn into fights and resentment.  In healthy relationships, disagreements turn into discussions and growth."  That moderator today turned my request for a private reprimand instead of a public one, into a fight, instead of a discussion.  All I wanted was for her to take her public comment down and to have corrected me in private.  She instead invalidated my feelings (very professional of someone in her position) and started a fight, chiding me like a child who needed a time out, rather than an adult who professionally brought a complaint to her.

Making their victims feel bad for having hurt feelings, and then insisting that their feelings are wrong or their own fault, are how abusers start their cycle.  Every time.  Gaslighting is the gateway.  Learn the signs, remember that you're not crazy for insisting the sky is blue when someone is insisting that it's actually purple and your eyes just aren't as attuned to hues of light as theirs are.  Gaslighting and getting you to question yourself is how the abuser starts their pattern of devaluing you so that they can build you back up, weaker and more confused than before, so that you'll stick around.

In my case here, with this internet troll, she also used her position of (internet) "power" to take away my voice with no warning.  That also has really not sat right.  Especially since in the process of me calling out her inappropriate behavior, she accused me of being out of line and said how dare I "take her to task" for her treatment of my comments.  When really, I'm allowed to take anyone to task when I believe they've been inappropriate, provided I do it in an appropriate way.  Which I feel I did.


There are a lot of mean, insecure, non-self-aware assholes in the world.  Many of them are also abusers.  But...not all of them are, and let's reserve the abuse and DV claims for repeat offenses, not just one-offs that should be ignored whenever possible.  If someone is invalidating your feelings when you bring them up, or refusing to acknowledge your feelings, or...starts a fight with you when you express displeasure, then run away as fast and as far as you can from that person as soon as you're able.

The Bible and Divorce

I'm moderately religious.  Episcopalian.  Used to be Catholic and my dad is a now-practicing Jew (he wasn't practicing much when I was a kid...not sure why).  I go to church most Sundays as much for getting some weekly community time with God as I do for some family connections.  But today's Gospel pissed me off.  I can't stand this Gospel, and the sermon that came with it was by a happily-married woman who is a deacon, married to the priest who was visiting our parish today.

In case you're not sure which passage I'm talking about, it's from the book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 2-12, or 2-16 (and I think that reading 2-16 really shows how incomplete and likely redacted this passage was).

Some Pharisees corner Jesus and ask him if what Moses wrote about a man being allowed to draw up a certificate and divorce his wife was ok in the eyes of God, and Jesus replies saying that God doesn't condone divorce.  But...the passage is so clearly edited.  Because the very next paragraph afterward, it notes that Jesus was calling children to come and see him because a child who does not know God will not grow up knowing God's love.  So...clearly there are some things missing.  That transition sucked, and no good storyteller would have jumped from one topic to the next so abruptly.

My nasty ex settled our divorce just about a week and a half ago, and initiating those divorce proceedings was the best thing I've done for my heart and my daughter.  That is, best aside from having my daughter.  My ex was abusive.  Verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.  He's also a narcissist, so anyone close to him only sees the "great guy" who's charismatic and charming and seems generous (at times).  But pay a little more attention, and you'll notice the constant personal jabs putting other people down, and the little comments he makes boasting about this or that, and how he constantly talks about himself and how great he is at whatever.  It took me a really long time to notice.  Every time he'd go through a bought of abuse toward me there was always a justification, and he'd throw in just enough intermittent reinforcement to keep me hooked.  He was stressed about his kids from his first marriage, so he was a dick.  His first wife was causing issues calling him names or making threats to take him to court, so he was a dick.  He was stressed about work, so he was a dick.  He was stressed about having a new baby around, so he was a completely unhelpful dick.  He was stressed.  He had feelings.  He knew I had feelings, but HE mostly had feelings, so mine didn't count as much and I was too sensitive and I was a "snowflake" who "just couldn't handle life."  Then one day, there was nothing to be stressed about and he was still an asshole, and that's when I knew I was done.  I was tired of being abused, there was absolutely no reason my ex could have been remotely justified for treating me the way he was, and divorce was the only way I could save myself, my child, and have a shot at happiness.

The deacon who gave the sermon today opened her remarks by noting that she and her husband had recently celebrated 45 years of marriage.  She went on to note that while she has been spared the chaos and trauma of divorce, her youngest daughter and youngest sister had not been so lucky.  Their husbands had been unfaithful, and she saw the tear that their divorces made in their communities.  Their divorces caused her daughter to move away to be closer to a community of people she felt supported her, and caused her sister to feel a great loss from severing friendships that she'd had during her marriage in which people felt the need to pick sides.  She spoke of divorce as a failure to form meaningful relationships, and noted that God wants us to be in communion with each other and that the way to happiness is through meaningful relationships.

Well...I believe God wants us to be whole, and that we aren't meant to find our wholeness by depending on another person.  The Bible is rife with advice to heal our hearts, find strength in God's love, and THEN engage in relationships.  What we know about mental health these days points out, also, that:

1. We're responsible for our own happiness.
2. We're responsible for our own feelings.
3. Co-dependence is bad.  If you can't find a way to be happy alone, keep trying.
4. Life does not happen TO any person.  We all play some part in the things that happen in our lives.  Whether that's through our direct actions, or our permissiveness, or our lack of strength to speak up and change our circumstances.  Personal accountability is key to happiness, success, and healthy personal relationships.

The sermon I heard today totally neglected to point out why divorce is sometimes needed, and what the actual background was in the question Jesus was being asked, and it's messages like the crap I heard today that can be dangerous to women who need to leave abusive relationships.  You can read more about the history, and the Jewish law surrounding divorce, and Mosaic law here >> but in short, there were two rabbis at the time touting two different ways of interpreting divorce as Moses wrote it -- Shammai and Hillel.  Hillel's interpretation of the divorce law was that a man could cast his wife out for any reason he wanted.  She got fat, she didn't cook well, he wanted to fuck the babysitter...whatever.  A man could just give his wife a get (notice of divorce) and be done.  He'd have to give back her dowry, though, but then he was free.  Shammai preached that the only reason a husband could get divorced was if his wife was unfaithful, but even then, God encouraged forgiveness and reconciliation.  The real history behind the question was that the Pharisees were poking Jesus to figure out which affiliation he had -- Shammai or Hillel, because it was Hillel's view of divorce that had allowed Herod Antipas ("King Herod") to divorce his wife and pursue his half-brother's wife (Herodias, who also got a divorce from his half-brother, Philip, in order to marry Herod).  Real classy guy that Herod.  It was those divorces that John the Baptist spoke out against, and that's what got him, Jesus' cousin, killed, near the very spot where these Pharisees were asking Jesus this question about God's view of divorce.  So really, it was a politically-loaded question.

Back in the day when these things were written down, and in the time of Jesus, women had very, very few rights.  Over the years since Jesus and the time he was preaching, rabbis have realized how few rights women had, have, and how we still continue to have to fight for fair and humane treatment, and they started to change and interpret laws in ways that were more favorable toward women.  Plus, the Bible as it is has been proven to be incomplete.  It can still be the Word of God, and lack more of the Word of God, because, as we've come to remember and realize, the Bible was put together by councils.  They voted on what to put in, and what to exclude.  Some of the missing Gospels have been discovered as recently as in the last 20 years, and they've been authenticated.  Plus, while the teachings may have come from God, they were still written down by people, eventually, after being passed down through oral traditions for thousands of years, and then translated thousands of times.  Have you ever played a game of telephone?  Yeah...if a simple line like "Sam went to the store on Tuesday for some milk" can come out the other end of a circle of 10 people as "Some like Pauly Shore on toothpicks wearing silk" then image how convoluted some of the Bible stories from both Testaments might be?

I realize that it might seem as though I'm trying to bend the "Word of God" to ease my own feelings.  But I refuse to believe that leaving an abusive marriage was wrong.  I refuse to believe that God meant for me to stay in a relationship where my children witnessed their mentally-sick father abuse me and put me down.  I refuse to believe that I wasn't meant to save and protect myself.

I hope that other women who are religious, like me, understand that God does not condone mistreatment.  Ever.  Anywhere.  The Universe does not want us to suffer, even though some suffering is a part of life and makes us grow, gives us strength when we embrace it and power through it in a way that seeks to right wrongs and strives for justice.  We are not meant to be unhappy.  We are meant to find it in ourselves to be whole.  Jesus healed people so that they themselves could be whole.  Because when we are whole, we can find meaningful relationships with others.  When a person who isn't whole tries to join to another person to become whole, that's when pain spreads, and there's nothing wrong with stopping it.

I can't tell if I'm still healing or being lazy...

Today would have been my grandpa's 93rd? birthday.  It also would have been the day my husband and I had a Trial Setting Conference in the morning, and then a custody trial regarding our daughter in the afternoon.  But, my now-ex husband actually settled with me last week.  I had to take a bath on the financial settlement, but I knew that my coming down on money would mean that he'd come down on visitation demands.  My accepting far less than what he owes me from our marriage, and a subpoena blitz I sent out through my attorney a couple of weeks ago, seemed to have done the trick.

For a while there, we were going to court every 2-4 weeks.  It was awful.  The reasons we were going were for normal hearings for child and spousal support, mixed in with two bullshit (non) emergency motions my ex filed, claiming I had violated our parenting time orders outright, when I hadn't.  I had additionally filed one emergency order of my own out of concern that my ex was still drinking, learning that he had recently purchased a firearm, and now having to send our daughter to her dad's house to visit, which is a 350 trip from my house to his now.  Needless to say, because our daughter wasn't bleeding and the cops hadn't been called, all of the emergency orders were dismissed outright.

Months of stress, of document prep, of going back and forth with attorneys, and of just general bullshit and attempts my ex made to manipulate our daughter into thinking that my enrolling her in soccer was keeping her from him (it wasn't because it wasn't even on his time), or that I was keeping her from him because I wasn't taking her to visit...  Months of that, plus complete alienation from my stepkids, and now...*POOF*!  It's over.  He settled.  The settlement has gone down to the courthouse for a judge's signature.  And as soon as she signs it, we are DIVORCED!

It's a bittersweet feeling, that's more sweet than bitter, but last Thursday, when all of the signatures were finally on the settlement paperwork that I wrote up myself, I felt a little...sad?  Confused?  No...definitely sad.  I had really liked being married.  Or rather, being able to say I was married.  But honestly, I hated being married to my husband.  He was an asshole and I'm relieved to be rid of him.  I didn't see it for the longest time because I was right in the thick of it and trying to make things work.  But no, he was an abusive asshole who I'm realizing now assaulted me on several occasions.  I didn't see it as assault at the time because he was drunk and didn't mean it, right?  And he apologized, usually, days later....  He was and is a shit dad.  Sure, he shows up, but he sucks the life out of you while he's buying you things and taking you out for nice meals.  I mean, he shows up, most of the time, to important events, even though he leaves early...but he shows up and he even posts on social media about how proud he is when you're winning!  So that means he really cares and is supportive, right?  Except, he does the bare minimum, and grumbles the entire time.

Now our daughter has a set schedule where she'll see her dad about 58 days out of every year because he chose to move 350 miles away.  And I'm glad, as I've always been, for every inch of every one of those miles that previously kept my family away from a crazy person (my ex's first wife) and now shields my daughter and me from the same.  I wish my stepkids would have chosen to stay closer to me, but biology is strong, and for my stepson, because he's only 16, there's only so much power he has, especially when he's able to get the attention he's been practically begging for from his dad for his whole life, now.

So tonight, it's a school night, and my daughter has been in kindergarten for about a month, and I've always been crappy about letting her stay up too late but hey, single moms do what we need to, and we both crashed out at 5:30pm.  I woke up about an hour later, but she's still passed out as I write this after 8:30.  I don't think it helped that her dad was in town yesterday (because he'd clearly planned a trip out here weeks ago for the custody trial that now wasn't needed) and last night when he took our daughter to dinner, it turned out he brought his girlfriend out with him (who he had gotten together with as our relationship was dying -- she's greaaaat), and had planned for my stepdaughter (who is now 20) to be in town as well.  My stepdaughter's boyfriend (who she's been living with for two years, and who she snuck around with for a year when he was 21 and she was 17 and we said they couldn't date) is from my city and his parents live here, about a half hour from where I live.  Apparently my poor kid, who thought she was just going to dinner with her dad, got thrust into a dinner with her dad, the girlfriend, my stepdaughter, her boyfriend, and the boyfriend's parents.  She reported it being "a little much, but a little fun."  I'm glad for the fun, but sheesh.  Some warning would have been adult, which is also why I know I didn't get any heads up.

So today, I didn't worry about court.  Hopefully that won't bite me in the ass.  I just got to worry about actual work, and I got some rest.  And my kid got some rest.  Because we're tired.  Maybe tired from life because I've been keeping us busy, or maybe exhausted from stress.  I can't tell.  But either way, sleep is good, and we needed it.

1 Year Freedom-versary

 Yesterday marked exactly 1 year to the day that I kicked my stbx out of our home with a restraining order.  One year since he gave me 12 hours notice that he was spontaneously taking off again for 3 weeks and wouldn't tell me exactly WTF he was doing or where he was going.  One year since I saw his face go pale, realizing that it was a good thing his bags were already packed for his practically-no-notice-because-he-didn't-feel-like-telling-me trip, because he wasn't coming back in our house.  One year since I overheard him on the phone to his lawyer outside discussing his already having been looking at leases in the state next door, and making sure he was going to get some of the household furnishings (spoiler: he didn't...aside from the stock paintings he came into our relationship with).

On that anniversary, I was in Phoenix.  Because our current custody arrangement is stupid and I have to bring our daughter here every other weekend.  I went out with one of MY friends for drinks and excellent conversation, and came back to my comfortable hotel room to relax, prep more court paperwork, and watch some TV.

One year later I have been through some awful stress.  But, my home life is much more peaceful.  It's a bit more empty, too, because in the melee last year, my stbx basically kidnapped my stepson, who I love and miss every day, and who has been alienated against me in the last year to the point where the kid has outright blocked me from being able to contact him.  That breaks my heart every day.  But also, my 4 year old daughter and I often realize in the evenings how quiet our house is, and we both agree that we like it.  My 4 year old and I live like (parent-child) buddies.  We can do our own things without people messing with us.  Without her father storming in and out.  Without walking on eggshells.  Without judgment.  Without the lingering smell of cigarettes and cheap beer that used to emanate from my husband.

My house feels better.  It looks better.  There's more space.  I mean...I'm renting, and it's expensive and before the end of the year I'm going to have to move into something smaller...but for now, it's been a year of more peace, while also more quiet stress, than I've had in a long time.  It's better.  Mostly.  And I'm grateful I made it this far so far.