People, it's still reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this situation, and I hope you all take the same amount of solace.
Here I am, 6 years after the kids came to live with us, and my DH and I have worked it out...how to deal. And it wasn't a pretty process. There were 3 rounds of therapy (and that third is kinda still going on...but we're taking a break from it right now because of a variety of factors that aren't bad and aren't good...just are). There were a lot of fights. A lot of talks. A lot of waiting it out. But, we're coming up on 4 years of marriage, and over 8 years of being together and living together. So, it can work.
The "crazy" that these Cluster B Personality ex's display (and Cluster B personalities are all of the "disorders." Read more about them here: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/dsm-5-the-ten-personality-disorders-cluster-b/) has seasons. Right now, it's back-to-school season. Why is this an issue? Well, do any of these arguments look familiar?:
- Who is going to pay for school supplies
- The "new" school year schedule
- Paperwork (yes....it's stupid...so of course the crazy ex's are going to fight over it), including who is going to be listed as the primary home, and the emergency contact
How do we deal with this, as the spouses and partners? How do we protect ourselves from the vitriol that gets spewed at us from the other bio parent, simply because they are either a) jealous that we got with their ex and that their kids like, and even might (dare I say) LOVE us, b) they are feeling a lack of confidence in their own bond with their children, c) they see us (the new partners) as a threat to that bond, d) they believe they are vying with us for control over their children, or e) any combination, or all, of the above.
The first way to deal is to understand that it's ok to drop the rope, and make the bioparents, which includes our chosen partner, do all the work with the kids. Relationships where a bio parent understands that ultimately, they are responsible for the well-being of their kids AND the well-being of their new partner, seem to work best. It's a lot to take on. But, that's what needs to happen when a divorced parent wants a new partner and has children. Couples who marry, before kids, have the luxury of the opportunity to focus all of their love and attention on each other. Even after kids, while we all love our kids, we should love our spouse more. Yes, that sounds wrong. We're beaten over the head with the idea that the kids should come first. But the reality is that the emotional needs of the spouse (as long as they're not toxic and always selfish emotional needs) come first. The physical needs and need for safety of the children come next. Why? Because if the caretakers aren't cared for, then the family falls apart, and someday the kids will grow up and move out leaving the parents back where they started in terms of support and company.
As a stepparent coming into a situation where I knew the kids needed me to step in fully, I felt extremely guilty the first couple of times I had to drop the rope and walk away for a bit. The kids live with us 80% of the time and only see their mom on school breaks. It felt irresponsible to stop doing for them and I am practically a poster child for responsibility. I wish I could also say that I was able to calmly talk about it with my husband before I dropped the rope during the times I did it. It happened more like "F you guys. I'm DONE." And then I'd withdraw. This happened mostly between my stepdaughter, my husband, and myself. Which brings me to a small aside....
Stepmothers have a much harder time than stepfathers, because often as women, we want to step in and pitch in and get stuff done. Men don't usually do that unless they're asked. It's just how each half of the species is hard-wired. Along with that, girls tend to be closer to their mothers, and boys often with their fathers, so when a step parent comes into the picture, stepmothers and stepdaughters can be the worst combination. Not to say that every combination doesn't have its issues. But stepmothers and stepdaughters have the hardest time, in my experience, learning to get along.
My stepdaughter was/is so close with her mother that there were plenty of times over the last 6 years when she would see my husband and me suffering some sort of discord, usually over how to handle SD herself, and SD would start exploiting that growing rift and play us against each other. And initially, we were too stressed because of the fighting, to see it, and especially my husband played right into SD's hands because he felt at the time as if he had to put her first instead of me. Yes, I do blame the child for trying to break up my marriage and my relationship. Because she did. But...I understand why she was trying to do that. She was unhappy, saw us unhappy, and wanted to create so much drama that she'd get sent back to her mom's...which was a place she thought she'd be happy even though we had to have her removed from that place for her and her brother's long-term safety and well-being when she was 10. But she doesn't/didn't understand that. What saved us in those times was my dropping the rope. Making my husband see that I was not entirely the problem. His daughter was causing drama, and since we couldn't agree on how to handle her, she was ultimately his responsibility. So by stepping out of the picture and making myself completely unavailable to her, except in a scant few situations where it would have been impossible for my husband to do what SD needed, we got our sanity back. My husband saw what I was seeing. SD could no longer bring me into drama because I had decided not to participate. I got a break. Which meant my marriage got some relief. It's ok to do that sometimes.
What about dealing with the ex? My husband chose to get together with his crazy ex in the first place, so as much as I'd like to deal with her myself, she is his problem. My job is to inform, reasonably, and support. Yes, I keep an eye on her social profiles and he doesn't. Yes...I hate her with a vengeance. But...it's not my job to deal with her. And every.little.thing. that she posts on social media doesn't need to be communicated to my husband. It would drive him crazy. They are exes. They broke up. If not for the kids then they would never talk to each other again. I just look at her stuff because I'm infinitely curious about the succubus that my husband married the first time around. But again, if there's nothing there that will actually affect the kids' health and safety, then it doesn't matter. And when it comes to communicating with her, that is not my job. My being involved in that would only confuse things. It's my job to offer my opinion to my husband. As my spouse, it's his job to consider it. But ultimately, I had to accept that my husband, as the bio-parent, has final say over what to do about the kids and what to do about his ex in every situation.
The more space I give Stella in my head, the more she wins the battle I'm waging against her in my head. The best way to deal with the ex, as my spouse's current partner, is to not deal with the ex. Force her to funnel everything through my husband. Support my husband in his decisions, remind him of his legal rights, and try and help him minimize the conflict or protect himself and the kids when needed. I'm fortunate that she lives 400 miles from us and that I don't have to see her on a daily basis. But even so, I avoid her as much as possible, and through doing that, there is peace.
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For more information about personality disorders in general, give this a good read: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/personality-disorders/
Thank you for sharing your story/life with us. I commented on a post of yours earlier today from back in 2011 because I am dealing with my boyfriends crazy ex. It's been exhausting, I didn't think I could hate a person as much as I hate this woman (and I use that term loosely). I often feel like she is purposefully doing things to make my life horrible, then I hear myself and I think that I am going crazy, who sits around and thinks of ways to ruin someone's day?? Well she does, that is for sure. I've blocked her number and she finds ways to get around that, I changed my number and she got that too. We have a no trespass order on our home, vehicles, and places of employment, as well as a Relief from Abuse Order because of stalking that covers my boyfriend specifically, but nothing stops her. She calls and texts whenever she wants about whatever she wants and when my boyfriend tells her to leave him/me/us alone she cries that he is being mean and abusive. We have 50/50 custody of their 10 year old son so we have to see her during every pick up and drop off. There is no winning with her, she is financially careless (one of the reasons for their divorce, infidelity on her part, and emotional/physical abuse being the others) so when it was back to school we took him shopping at her request because she couldn't afford to buy him the things he needed, when his son went back to his moms the texts began about how we couldn't buy his love!!! WTF?!?! We were trying to help. This past weekend she had previously asked for a deviation in the schedule because her dad was coming into town, we agreed, as usual at the last minute plans changed and her dad wasn't coming so now he could come to our house, when my boyfriend told her that we had already made plans she started calling him a worthless father, and that she would be sure to tell their son that he (my boyfriend) chose his whore (me) over him.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with all of this on so many levels, first as a woman, I never wanted to be this kind of "new wife" (although we are not married yet, it was the easiest term to use) I wanted to be supportive to both of them, I wanted to be the new wife that had a civil relationship with the ex-wife, I had hopes of mutual birthday parties, and all of us cheering their son at his soccer and baseball games. I didn't want to hate her, but I do. I find myself venting to my friends about her and picking apart her appearance, her style or lack there of, her weight, etc. I have NEVER been that person. I struggle with this as a mother because when I suggest we get some snacks and watch a football game on Sunday I'm told "my dad never watched football until you came along, he's changed a lot because of you". I've heard these same words come out of her mouth so I know she is talking badly about us to him or at least within earshot of him and I get angry. I don't want to be angry with a child. And my relationship with my boyfriend struggles, he is in a no win situation, and I know that, it is just so hard to ignore her and try to have a happy peaceful life.
I am open to any comments or suggestions you might have.
Colleen, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It feels like you're living in crazy town, but you're not.
ReplyDeleteThere were, and still are, many times when I wish I could pick up the phone, and call Stella, and just compare notes about the kids or get some advice. But...she's crazy. Inconsistent. And she's done the same thing with the harassing phone calls and texts...except she did that while she had an RO against my Guy. And in her state, there's nothing she has to abide by when she's granted an RO. It's all on the other party. But...if the other party is being subjected to the treatment they're banned from in an RO, then the other party can apply to have the RO dismissed. But anyway...
My advice is...never do anything outside of the court orders. No matter how reasonable the request, or how nicely it's made. Also, since you have 50/50, anything you or your SO purchase for your SS, either make sure that it lives at your house 100% of the time, or make sure you don't mind it if it gets "lost" at her house on her time. Yes, this kind of thing totally sucks for the kids. But...it will save time and money in the long run, and SS will know where all of his stuff is at your house at least.
I never wanted this life, either. I never pictured myself as a stepmom. I feel like Stella's shadow is over my household most of the time. But...it's not really. It's just my perception and the space I'm giving her in my head.
When the kids note how Guy has changed since we got together, I take it at face value...it's their observation about how things have changed. And that's ok. Besides, the different households are going to be different.
Something that helped me with the transition, especially at first, was therapy. Just getting the chance to bitch to a therapist, and being told what I was doing wrong or right, and have my feelings be validated by someone who wasn't emotionally connected to the situation, or who I didn't have to worry about blabbing to my DH and hurting his feelings, and didn't have to worry about potentially saying something that would get back around to Stella...that was extremely helpful.
Boundary setting helped, too. Guy had to set boundaries with Stella for her, and for his own sanity. She would send some c*nttastic text or email and he and I would get all riled up and want to respond....and that's what we did at first because we felt so badly like we wanted to "set the record straight." And sometimes we were able. But other times we all just ended up fighting over email. It wasn't productive.
Now, her texts and emails get ignored unless they're pertinent to something involving the kids. Something real. Not just Stella trying to make Guy feel as if he's "abusing the kids emotionally" because she thinks that he is since he won't let her talk to them any old time she feels like it (we have a nightly phone time for that...and we have lives to live!). Or Stella telling Guy that the kids will grow up to hate him because of the rules we have at our house (OMG! How dare we have rules!). She's also called him The Devil. As in, she BELIEVES HE IS ACTUALLY SATAN. Because she's a crazy fake-ass Bible thumper who interprets scripture to suit her own feelings.
Stay away as much as you can. Live your life. And encourage SO to treat her like the person she is...his ex. Who he really doesn't have to be in contact with outside of email. And who he can tell to f-off if she's harassing him.
ReplyDeleteOh, which brings me to one last point....if you have ROs against her, and she violates them, for Heaven's sake...CALL THE POLICE! They might not be able to do anything if it's over text or email, but they can come out, look at the texts and the emails, and make a report. Then you go to court and file for emergency enforcement of your restraining orders, and you present the police evidence. If the crazy BM does that to you enough times, and you have to go to court, eventually she'll get jailed for it.
Hang in there. It does get better. I swear.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and he and his ex have a little girl together. Everything was fine until he started wanting to see his daughter more. After that, she started telling him he couldn’t see her and she started bringing me up more and she refuses to tell him anything about his daughter. He never knows when she’s sick, what she needs, he knows nothing about her new boyfriend. He’s started to try and find a lawyer to get a parental agreement but he just now remembered he might not even be on the birth certificate. I’m at my wits end because so far I have done all the leg work like finding and then calling the lawyer. I just don’t know what to do
ReplyDelete