People, it's still reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this situation, and I hope you all take the same amount of solace.
Here I am, 6 years after the kids came to live with us, and my DH and I have worked it out...how to deal. And it wasn't a pretty process. There were 3 rounds of therapy (and that third is kinda still going on...but we're taking a break from it right now because of a variety of factors that aren't bad and aren't good...just are). There were a lot of fights. A lot of talks. A lot of waiting it out. But, we're coming up on 4 years of marriage, and over 8 years of being together and living together. So, it can work.
The "crazy" that these Cluster B Personality ex's display (and Cluster B personalities are all of the "disorders." Read more about them here: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/dsm-5-the-ten-personality-disorders-cluster-b/) has seasons. Right now, it's back-to-school season. Why is this an issue? Well, do any of these arguments look familiar?:
- Who is going to pay for school supplies
- The "new" school year schedule
- Paperwork (yes....it's stupid...so of course the crazy ex's are going to fight over it), including who is going to be listed as the primary home, and the emergency contact
How do we deal with this, as the spouses and partners? How do we protect ourselves from the vitriol that gets spewed at us from the other bio parent, simply because they are either a) jealous that we got with their ex and that their kids like, and even might (dare I say) LOVE us, b) they are feeling a lack of confidence in their own bond with their children, c) they see us (the new partners) as a threat to that bond, d) they believe they are vying with us for control over their children, or e) any combination, or all, of the above.
The first way to deal is to understand that it's ok to drop the rope, and make the bioparents, which includes our chosen partner, do all the work with the kids. Relationships where a bio parent understands that ultimately, they are responsible for the well-being of their kids AND the well-being of their new partner, seem to work best. It's a lot to take on. But, that's what needs to happen when a divorced parent wants a new partner and has children. Couples who marry, before kids, have the luxury of the opportunity to focus all of their love and attention on each other. Even after kids, while we all love our kids, we should love our spouse more. Yes, that sounds wrong. We're beaten over the head with the idea that the kids should come first. But the reality is that the emotional needs of the spouse (as long as they're not toxic and always selfish emotional needs) come first. The physical needs and need for safety of the children come next. Why? Because if the caretakers aren't cared for, then the family falls apart, and someday the kids will grow up and move out leaving the parents back where they started in terms of support and company.
As a stepparent coming into a situation where I knew the kids needed me to step in fully, I felt extremely guilty the first couple of times I had to drop the rope and walk away for a bit. The kids live with us 80% of the time and only see their mom on school breaks. It felt irresponsible to stop doing for them and I am practically a poster child for responsibility. I wish I could also say that I was able to calmly talk about it with my husband before I dropped the rope during the times I did it. It happened more like "F you guys. I'm DONE." And then I'd withdraw. This happened mostly between my stepdaughter, my husband, and myself. Which brings me to a small aside....
Stepmothers have a much harder time than stepfathers, because often as women, we want to step in and pitch in and get stuff done. Men don't usually do that unless they're asked. It's just how each half of the species is hard-wired. Along with that, girls tend to be closer to their mothers, and boys often with their fathers, so when a step parent comes into the picture, stepmothers and stepdaughters can be the worst combination. Not to say that every combination doesn't have its issues. But stepmothers and stepdaughters have the hardest time, in my experience, learning to get along.
My stepdaughter was/is so close with her mother that there were plenty of times over the last 6 years when she would see my husband and me suffering some sort of discord, usually over how to handle SD herself, and SD would start exploiting that growing rift and play us against each other. And initially, we were too stressed because of the fighting, to see it, and especially my husband played right into SD's hands because he felt at the time as if he had to put her first instead of me. Yes, I do blame the child for trying to break up my marriage and my relationship. Because she did. But...I understand why she was trying to do that. She was unhappy, saw us unhappy, and wanted to create so much drama that she'd get sent back to her mom's...which was a place she thought she'd be happy even though we had to have her removed from that place for her and her brother's long-term safety and well-being when she was 10. But she doesn't/didn't understand that. What saved us in those times was my dropping the rope. Making my husband see that I was not entirely the problem. His daughter was causing drama, and since we couldn't agree on how to handle her, she was ultimately his responsibility. So by stepping out of the picture and making myself completely unavailable to her, except in a scant few situations where it would have been impossible for my husband to do what SD needed, we got our sanity back. My husband saw what I was seeing. SD could no longer bring me into drama because I had decided not to participate. I got a break. Which meant my marriage got some relief. It's ok to do that sometimes.
What about dealing with the ex? My husband chose to get together with his crazy ex in the first place, so as much as I'd like to deal with her myself, she is his problem. My job is to inform, reasonably, and support. Yes, I keep an eye on her social profiles and he doesn't. Yes...I hate her with a vengeance. But...it's not my job to deal with her. And every.little.thing. that she posts on social media doesn't need to be communicated to my husband. It would drive him crazy. They are exes. They broke up. If not for the kids then they would never talk to each other again. I just look at her stuff because I'm infinitely curious about the succubus that my husband married the first time around. But again, if there's nothing there that will actually affect the kids' health and safety, then it doesn't matter. And when it comes to communicating with her, that is not my job. My being involved in that would only confuse things. It's my job to offer my opinion to my husband. As my spouse, it's his job to consider it. But ultimately, I had to accept that my husband, as the bio-parent, has final say over what to do about the kids and what to do about his ex in every situation.
The more space I give Stella in my head, the more she wins the battle I'm waging against her in my head. The best way to deal with the ex, as my spouse's current partner, is to not deal with the ex. Force her to funnel everything through my husband. Support my husband in his decisions, remind him of his legal rights, and try and help him minimize the conflict or protect himself and the kids when needed. I'm fortunate that she lives 400 miles from us and that I don't have to see her on a daily basis. But even so, I avoid her as much as possible, and through doing that, there is peace.
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For more information about personality disorders in general, give this a good read: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/personality-disorders/
