Yesterday marked exactly 1 year to the day that I kicked my stbx out of our home with a restraining order. One year since he gave me 12 hours notice that he was spontaneously taking off again for 3 weeks and wouldn't tell me exactly WTF he was doing or where he was going. One year since I saw his face go pale, realizing that it was a good thing his bags were already packed for his practically-no-notice-because-he-didn't-feel-like-telling-me trip, because he wasn't coming back in our house. One year since I overheard him on the phone to his lawyer outside discussing his already having been looking at leases in the state next door, and making sure he was going to get some of the household furnishings (spoiler: he didn't...aside from the stock paintings he came into our relationship with).
On that anniversary, I was in Phoenix. Because our current custody arrangement is stupid and I have to bring our daughter here every other weekend. I went out with one of MY friends for drinks and excellent conversation, and came back to my comfortable hotel room to relax, prep more court paperwork, and watch some TV.
One year later I have been through some awful stress. But, my home life is much more peaceful. It's a bit more empty, too, because in the melee last year, my stbx basically kidnapped my stepson, who I love and miss every day, and who has been alienated against me in the last year to the point where the kid has outright blocked me from being able to contact him. That breaks my heart every day. But also, my 4 year old daughter and I often realize in the evenings how quiet our house is, and we both agree that we like it. My 4 year old and I live like (parent-child) buddies. We can do our own things without people messing with us. Without her father storming in and out. Without walking on eggshells. Without judgment. Without the lingering smell of cigarettes and cheap beer that used to emanate from my husband.
My house feels better. It looks better. There's more space. I mean...I'm renting, and it's expensive and before the end of the year I'm going to have to move into something smaller...but for now, it's been a year of more peace, while also more quiet stress, than I've had in a long time. It's better. Mostly. And I'm grateful I made it this far so far.
